Avivah, I love your description of the ivy and the oak (punching above its weight). It’s the perfect metaphor for how routine keeps us tied to the past in deceptively beautiful ways. I’m sure your oak is silently thanking you for its liberation
I also took your suggestion to do the Fidelidades "futurizing" exercise. Some of it didn't work at all (their version of me at 75 looks about 10 years older than I am now, with long flowing hair - seems unlikely that will happen in 8 months ;-) ). But I LOVE their picture of me at 100! If I could figure out how to put it in this comment, I would. xox
Send it to me by email, we can compare. I also love the look of 100. Will add it to my speeches and presentations... A useful tool, don't you think? Did you put your age in? It should show you 10 years forward...
I’ll send it to you! I put it that I was 74, and it gave me 75, 85, and 100. But the 75 looked like me in ten years, and the 85 was way too traditional. 😏
What I love about this piece is that it challenges the idea that later life is about maintenance. The elderberry, the oak, Jane's downsizing, Erika's move, Lucy's colourful reinvention, they're all reminders that growth doesn't stop in Q3. We may not all make the same changes, but the willingness to keep evolving feels increasingly important. Your phrase about noticing our own ivy really stayed with me. So often it's not the dramatic things that hold us back, but the habits, assumptions and routines that once served us well and now quietly limit new growth. A beautiful metaphor.
You are definitely another example - I had too many and had to choose. But your purchase of 4 acres of woodland and the delight it has brought you is another great example. And I know how much you like a tree metaphor!
Really enjoyed this Sunday morning read. Loved how you connected 'things' as being attached to another self and how pruning allows the focusing of energy into new growth!
Another self, or selves. All the stuff some of us keep from parents, grandparents et al. I actually love stuff, and the memories and love it holds. But only the good stuff. The really meaningful (not valuable) stuff. The rest is for the pruning.
And then there are those of us who should have downsized, but haven't. The trick is to do it early enough, when you have the energy, even though you don't have the need. Both in our mid-80s, we should have done it ages ago, but we were doing just fine, thank-you. Although I will claim credit for managing to sell our 30-year old treasure, our flat in Paris, just a few months ago. That was a big enough job, running backward and forward on Eurostar, and making all those decisions about what to keep and what to leave.
Hey, i think being able to enjoy a flat in Paris for 30 years is worth a tad of exhaustion at 80. But yes, selling the flat, then the main house is a big job - at any age.
Actually, I completely agree. And I always said, the first thing was to divest ourselves of the flat, so in that sense we are on schedule. In the end, we didn't really like the one flat we saw that was a possibility for downsizing (the one in the Barbican) but we're not rushing to look at others. Che sera sera.
I was reading along, loving this post - my favorite line: "Q3 is, among other things, the moment you are finally strong enough to notice your own ivy. And to start sawing" - when I saw your use of me as an example. How lovely! (One tweak - we actually live in the city of Oviedo, pop. 230,000, vs. a small town. And that makes the exploration and cultural integration even more interesting.)
But yes, our new life in Spain (which has evolved over the past 4-5 years, but which we date for real from when we got our long-stay visa in March of '24), is a marvelous daily adventure, and we find ourselves exceeding, sidestepping, or blowing up our expectations on a daily basis.
Yes! Reinvention doesn't have an expiration date. Some of the most thoughtful changes happen when we finally have enough perspective to choose deliberately rather than simply continue by default.
Nice work, Avivah, in clarifying the difference between being reduced and being refined.
The pruning metaphor feels especially relevant in a season of life where “more” is usually treated as the default answer: more projects, more options, more obligations, and more identity layers to maintain.
Cutting back does not necessarily mean decline; it's concentration. It’s energy returning to what still matters.
To me, one of the quieter lessons of a later chapter: not everything that gets removed was essential, and not every smaller life is a diminished one.
I hate Ivy. It just doesn’t stop. It’s relentless and it kills things. Like many things that work against us you need to make it a continuous habit to keep it under control. Otherwise it takes big overhauls to get back on track.
I relate easily to all you describe in your Q3 perspective on change. In your essay you not only describe Q3 change but suggest that change will continue into Q4. At 88 years old I am now growing into the second half of Q4 and indeed thinking positively about the changes that I am experiencing, working on, and enjoying. I have chosen a physically active life, I own 2 horses and care for them and ride regularly. I live in a relatively small house with a delightful garden at the edge of a small hamlet in rural France. I have a dog and two cats at home and a cat at the farm where I keep the horses. One of my sons lives nearby and the others in three other different countries. My grandchildren are mostly in their thirties.
Last year I was slowed down by operations on my hands one after the other. That experience made me aware of how little I want to make my life about home maintenance. I have now employed others to do what I do not have time and energy for because I am doing what I love at the farm, out in the natural world, travelling, or spending time with friends. Those last changes have been important and allow me to continue to be active and on the move for as long as I have good health. I am investing financially in my independence.
I have made up my own story about how my life will develop into the future. We’ll see!
Sylvia, that sounds like a wonderful Q4! Where are you in France? Did you know I’m half French and spent 30 years in Paris? I boggle at the idea of my little Glams at 30! Harder to imagine than my own ageing. But the idea of a little house in rural France near one of my kids and with a dog 2 cats and horses sounds just about… perfect!! Can I visit?
No, Avivah, I did not know! My mother was Swiss and I was brought up speaking French (during the War). I am in the Indre (36) near Argenton-sur-Creuse. It is wonderful here and I would be delighted and honoured if you would visit. I have accommodation for visitors and I have several friends and family who come for short stays! Life is good.
I used to have this fantasy of having a large "family" house (used to) that I'd grow old in and have "family" dinner once-a-week with grown children and grandchildren. Instead, now my grandchildren are marrying and having children of their own, it's my elder daughter who hosts the larger family gatherings, and I'm in a small cabin in the woods with less energy or room to host "family" dinners. Funny how our fantasies don't always come to be. Lovely article Avivah, and I love the mention of Erika (of whom I have so many questions!), Jane, Denise and Ann. Feels like a group of girlfriends here while I have my tea. Nice way to start a Sunday…thank you.
It does feel like a group of wise women showing me the way, absolutely! And so wonderful to be in conversation with you/ them all. I have learned so much by getting a firsthand glimpse into these later decades of life. Erika writes her own substack and book (The New Old), so you can get all the context you care for.
it is! One of the perks of Substack is that we can be on different continents, wildly spread time zones, yet feel part of an old (as in long-lasting) group of friends. I'm honored to be in this group, and will work on my many typos,
Avivah, I love your description of the ivy and the oak (punching above its weight). It’s the perfect metaphor for how routine keeps us tied to the past in deceptively beautiful ways. I’m sure your oak is silently thanking you for its liberation
I thank you for the lovely shoutouts.
You should have seen the silver birch at the other end of the garden. It had ivy branches 3 inches thick... it is singing in thanks to my little saw.
I bet! “Free at last!”
I also took your suggestion to do the Fidelidades "futurizing" exercise. Some of it didn't work at all (their version of me at 75 looks about 10 years older than I am now, with long flowing hair - seems unlikely that will happen in 8 months ;-) ). But I LOVE their picture of me at 100! If I could figure out how to put it in this comment, I would. xox
I’m going to try it, too. Ha! I’ve always been impatient and would love some insight on my older physical self.
it gives you a little story about yourself too. I found it helpful.
Send it to me by email, we can compare. I also love the look of 100. Will add it to my speeches and presentations... A useful tool, don't you think? Did you put your age in? It should show you 10 years forward...
I’ll send it to you! I put it that I was 74, and it gave me 75, 85, and 100. But the 75 looked like me in ten years, and the 85 was way too traditional. 😏
I did it last week, let me look for it later
What I love about this piece is that it challenges the idea that later life is about maintenance. The elderberry, the oak, Jane's downsizing, Erika's move, Lucy's colourful reinvention, they're all reminders that growth doesn't stop in Q3. We may not all make the same changes, but the willingness to keep evolving feels increasingly important. Your phrase about noticing our own ivy really stayed with me. So often it's not the dramatic things that hold us back, but the habits, assumptions and routines that once served us well and now quietly limit new growth. A beautiful metaphor.
You are definitely another example - I had too many and had to choose. But your purchase of 4 acres of woodland and the delight it has brought you is another great example. And I know how much you like a tree metaphor!
Really enjoyed this Sunday morning read. Loved how you connected 'things' as being attached to another self and how pruning allows the focusing of energy into new growth!
Another self, or selves. All the stuff some of us keep from parents, grandparents et al. I actually love stuff, and the memories and love it holds. But only the good stuff. The really meaningful (not valuable) stuff. The rest is for the pruning.
And then there are those of us who should have downsized, but haven't. The trick is to do it early enough, when you have the energy, even though you don't have the need. Both in our mid-80s, we should have done it ages ago, but we were doing just fine, thank-you. Although I will claim credit for managing to sell our 30-year old treasure, our flat in Paris, just a few months ago. That was a big enough job, running backward and forward on Eurostar, and making all those decisions about what to keep and what to leave.
Do enjoy Somerset, a beautiful place.
Hey, i think being able to enjoy a flat in Paris for 30 years is worth a tad of exhaustion at 80. But yes, selling the flat, then the main house is a big job - at any age.
Actually, I completely agree. And I always said, the first thing was to divest ourselves of the flat, so in that sense we are on schedule. In the end, we didn't really like the one flat we saw that was a possibility for downsizing (the one in the Barbican) but we're not rushing to look at others. Che sera sera.
I was reading along, loving this post - my favorite line: "Q3 is, among other things, the moment you are finally strong enough to notice your own ivy. And to start sawing" - when I saw your use of me as an example. How lovely! (One tweak - we actually live in the city of Oviedo, pop. 230,000, vs. a small town. And that makes the exploration and cultural integration even more interesting.)
But yes, our new life in Spain (which has evolved over the past 4-5 years, but which we date for real from when we got our long-stay visa in March of '24), is a marvelous daily adventure, and we find ourselves exceeding, sidestepping, or blowing up our expectations on a daily basis.
Sorry, I'm a snobby Londoner, so everything goes under village life! If it ain't a megalopole...
😂😂😂😂
Yes! Reinvention doesn't have an expiration date. Some of the most thoughtful changes happen when we finally have enough perspective to choose deliberately rather than simply continue by default.
Nice work, Avivah, in clarifying the difference between being reduced and being refined.
The pruning metaphor feels especially relevant in a season of life where “more” is usually treated as the default answer: more projects, more options, more obligations, and more identity layers to maintain.
Cutting back does not necessarily mean decline; it's concentration. It’s energy returning to what still matters.
To me, one of the quieter lessons of a later chapter: not everything that gets removed was essential, and not every smaller life is a diminished one.
Beautifully said Anthony! "not every smaller life is a diminished one." Not at all.
Thanks, I really enjoy your posts.
Great to hear. Thank you.
I hate Ivy. It just doesn’t stop. It’s relentless and it kills things. Like many things that work against us you need to make it a continuous habit to keep it under control. Otherwise it takes big overhauls to get back on track.
Seriously. Am learning that Fiona. And what about bindweed? It travels!
I relate easily to all you describe in your Q3 perspective on change. In your essay you not only describe Q3 change but suggest that change will continue into Q4. At 88 years old I am now growing into the second half of Q4 and indeed thinking positively about the changes that I am experiencing, working on, and enjoying. I have chosen a physically active life, I own 2 horses and care for them and ride regularly. I live in a relatively small house with a delightful garden at the edge of a small hamlet in rural France. I have a dog and two cats at home and a cat at the farm where I keep the horses. One of my sons lives nearby and the others in three other different countries. My grandchildren are mostly in their thirties.
Last year I was slowed down by operations on my hands one after the other. That experience made me aware of how little I want to make my life about home maintenance. I have now employed others to do what I do not have time and energy for because I am doing what I love at the farm, out in the natural world, travelling, or spending time with friends. Those last changes have been important and allow me to continue to be active and on the move for as long as I have good health. I am investing financially in my independence.
I have made up my own story about how my life will develop into the future. We’ll see!
Sylvia, that sounds like a wonderful Q4! Where are you in France? Did you know I’m half French and spent 30 years in Paris? I boggle at the idea of my little Glams at 30! Harder to imagine than my own ageing. But the idea of a little house in rural France near one of my kids and with a dog 2 cats and horses sounds just about… perfect!! Can I visit?
No, Avivah, I did not know! My mother was Swiss and I was brought up speaking French (during the War). I am in the Indre (36) near Argenton-sur-Creuse. It is wonderful here and I would be delighted and honoured if you would visit. I have accommodation for visitors and I have several friends and family who come for short stays! Life is good.
would love to! Can call it a research trip. Will suggest a date perhaps in the fall. Need to figure out when and how i can get there.
My father was Swiss and my mother was French, and i was born in ... Canada!
I will be driving through Somerset in October! Could stop for a chat, en passant....
Oh yes please do!
I used to have this fantasy of having a large "family" house (used to) that I'd grow old in and have "family" dinner once-a-week with grown children and grandchildren. Instead, now my grandchildren are marrying and having children of their own, it's my elder daughter who hosts the larger family gatherings, and I'm in a small cabin in the woods with less energy or room to host "family" dinners. Funny how our fantasies don't always come to be. Lovely article Avivah, and I love the mention of Erika (of whom I have so many questions!), Jane, Denise and Ann. Feels like a group of girlfriends here while I have my tea. Nice way to start a Sunday…thank you.
It does feel like a group of wise women showing me the way, absolutely! And so wonderful to be in conversation with you/ them all. I have learned so much by getting a firsthand glimpse into these later decades of life. Erika writes her own substack and book (The New Old), so you can get all the context you care for.
I do read her Substack (actually Ann’s, Jane’s and Denise’s as well — but need to get her book! I definitely feel a community here!
it is! One of the perks of Substack is that we can be on different continents, wildly spread time zones, yet feel part of an old (as in long-lasting) group of friends. I'm honored to be in this group, and will work on my many typos,